Funny Lists Jokes


Don't forget to choose one for your next car...!

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
(On an old, beat-up car) "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
"Born Free...Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"E. coli Happens"
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"If jerks could fly, this place would be an airport."
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car..."
"Tow-ers will be violated"
"Kiss her where it smells...take her to New Jersey."
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Assassins do it from behind!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
"LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive becasue it it illegal to kill."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"
"Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

Submitted by: AG, Austin, TX

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